Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
