I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
