woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
