Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
