someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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