she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
