I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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