I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
