JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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