no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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