I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
