why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
