just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
