I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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