In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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