Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
