I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize