I haven't been this sober since birth.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
