i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
