even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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