I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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