I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
