So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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