The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
someone threw a dead crab at me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
As shirtless as possible
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize