so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
