how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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