Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize