i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
