hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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