so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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