using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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