there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize