UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
