My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
