He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
