Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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