i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Drunk is not a location!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
