party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
