anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
this will be a night to untag.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
