and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The uberlube is also flammable
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
