Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
