Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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