I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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