I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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