Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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