Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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