it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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