I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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