its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's blow job season.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
