oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
