Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
