so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
