is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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