you would pick up someone in the library
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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