took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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