I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
